Mon, Jan 10, 2005 @2:43pm wrote:

i`ve been thinking.. is it really meant to be...i mean like everytime i hear ur voice on the phone i feel like putting on a smile on my face...but is it really meant to be that way ..after all the stressful times and the tears drops at night i styll manage to stand on my own witout ur help..as much as i like u alot, miss all the fun times and the continous convos on the phone that we`ve had before.. it all styll do comes down to 1ne question do i really need to hav u in my life?? arent i just bringing myself more stress by thinking about it?? and more tears at night?? for the last month or so,ive been missing u, everytime i close my eyes at nite i feel that the phone would ring.. and just thinking bak on all those nites tha u would call after work to talk to me and me just waiting on the other side of t.dot for ur call, trying to keep awake.. memories like those r 1nes that i truly cherish.. something that i would smile bak upon, u`ve made a difference in my life in so lil time..basta`t kasama kita, im happy.. i remember the time wen u called me after work and we stayed on the phone for the whole nite, u fell a sleep on me and i had my literacy test in the morning too...all the endless phone convos, all ur jokes, and all ur love and care to make me smile* =Dbut u kno wat?? all the endless phone convos,sleeping on the phone together thru the whole nite,all ur jokes, and all ur love and care to make me smile r wat makes my tears drop everynite..holding my teddy taht u once gav makes me miss u soo much, whenever i feel that i really need u by my side i hav my teddy wit me instead...sometimes i hav it with me wen go to skool in the mornings and sometimes i hav it wit me when i go chyll wit ppl..there were so many times wen i wanted to call u but instead i just looked at the phone and walked away..as much as i wanted to talk to u, i figured that u were probably busy doin ur thang, ididnt want to interfere wit ur life ..i remember wen u told me that no matter wat happens u would always be there for me, if i was stuck at finch station witout a bus fare u said to just call ur cell and u would help me out..and wat do u kno, there was a time that i really needed a bus fare to get home from dundas station, at that point i thot about the time wen u told me about getting stuck at a station witout bus fare to just holla at ur cell..but ididnt do that..instead i stood there and i cryed, becuz i missed u...i thot that i would just sit there at eatons all night wondering if i should call u to come get me..but luckily, i could say that an angel was on my side at that time and i found a way to get home...i use to think that i would be able to call u wenever but instead i found that i dont hav to courage to face wat i feel against u..i felt so betrayed cuz in the begining u were the one that told me that if i held onto ur hands then we can make it thru this, so i did but along the way u let go of my hands and left me on my own.. i gave u my trust, u had it in ur hands too but u thru it away like it was worthless to uand all the lies that u`ve told me made me lose hope in u, got me not to believe in u no more...i gave u my trust but wat did u do to it?? u didnt keep it close to ur heart u just toss it away...that friday wen i saw u at the bus stop at bathusts and wilson, that was a crazy nite.. i never expected to see u and i never expected my feelings to show..i thot that i was able to stand strong but instead i thot about my feelings against u..that hurted me inside and i gave in.. i cryed becuz i couldnt stand on my own anymore, i was too weak to stay strong...all the fake smiles and trying to stay as happy as i can for ppl turned into tears..u came and talked me into staying strong but as much as it hurts to see u care about me it hurted even more just to stand there and watch u walk away like that..i feel that u dont even care about me like u said u would..i felt like a nobody to u..all i can do was stand there and watch u walk out on me and prove to me that u dont give and damn bout me..that nite was a nite to remember....i missed u but did u missed me too?? i dunno the answer for that..even if u said u did, would i be able to believe u since all u did before was lied to me..ur words r alway very convincing, it made me fall for u the first time but am i gonna fall for u the second time around??idunno..if i think about this sistuation in a three persons point of view which i hav then i`d be stupid cuz i could be falling for a trap, but if i followed wats insde then u can easily just tear me to pieces agen..im styll young, i can make mistakes rite?? cuz i kno that rite now in my life ur the only 1ne that can truly make me smile witout no hesitation to rather my smiles are fake or not.. i loved the times that i get to spend wit u cuz i feel so happy wenever ur around but i dunno who i am to u anymore..i dunno if u styll think of me or if u styll care, i dunno why am i here this time...my tears would always be flowing but for who?? only i can decide...

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.

His name is Franz.

I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club.

I found that I fell in love with him.

Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him.

And soon we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each over in different ways.

I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls.

To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl.

"Franz, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.

Franz: "I can't"

" Why? You need to study at home?"

He felt disappointment grabbing me. "No I am going to meet a friend. "

He was always like that.

He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing.

To him, I was just a girlfriend.

The word "love" only came out of my mouth.

Since I knew him, I had never heard him say "I love you" before.

To us, there weren`t any anniversaries at all.

He didn`t say anything from the first day and it contineud till 100 days, 200 days

Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail.

I don`t know why

Then one day...

Me: Um, Frans, I...

 Frans: What? don`t drag, just say..

Me:I love you.

Frans: you...um, just take this doll and go home.

That was how he ignored my 3 words and handed me the doll.

Then he disappeared, like he was running away.

The dolls I received from him everyday filled my room,

There were many...

The one day came, my 15th year old birthday.

When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call.

But ...lunch passed, dinner passed...and soon the sky was dark he still didn`t call.

Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep.

He told me to come out of my house.

Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Frans...

Frans: Here...take this... Again, he handed me a little doll.

Me: What`s this?

Frans: I didn`t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I`m going home now, bye.

Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?

Frans: Today? Huh?

I felt so sad, I thought he woudl remember my birthday.

He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.

Then I shouted..."Wait..."

Frans: Did you have something to say?

Me: Tell me, tell me you love me...

Frans: What?!

Me: Tell me I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him.

But he just said simple cold words and left.

Frans: "I don`t want to say that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else."

That was what he said.

Then he ran off.

My legs felt numb..and I collapsed to the ground.

He didn`t want to say it easily...

How could he!

I felt that...

Maybe he is not the right guy for me...

After that day,I stranded myself at home crying, just crying.

He didn`t call me, although I was waiting.

He just continued handing me a doll every morning outside my house.

That`s how those dolls piled up in my room... everyday

After a month, I got myself together and went to school.

But what made the pain resurface was that... I saw him on a street...with another girl...

He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me...as he touched the doll...

I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell...

Why did he give these to me?? Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls. In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.

Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.

He told me to come out to tbe bus stop outside my house.

I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.

I kept remiding myself that I am going to forget him, that it`s going to end.

Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Frans: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?

I couldn`t help hating him, acting like nothing had happened and joking around.

Soon, he held out the doll as usual.

Me: I don`t need it.

Frans: What? Why?

I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.

Me: I don`t need this doll, I don`t need it anymore!! i don`t want to see a person like you again! I spitted out al the words that were inside me.

But unlike other days, his eyes were shaking.

I`m sorry..." He apologized in a tiny voice.

He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll...

Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

Bet he ignored me and just went to pick up the doll.

Then... Honk~~ Honk~~

With a loud honk, a big tuck was heading towards him.

"Frans! Move! Move away!" I shouted.... But he didn`t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll. "Frans, move!"

HONK~~ *Boom!* Tha tsound, so terrifying.

That`s how he went away from me.

That`s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me. After that day, I had to go throught everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him. And after spending two months like a crazy person, I took out the dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I rememebered the days I spent with him and started to count the days- when we were in love..

"One...two... three..."

That was how I started to count the dolls...

"Four hundredand eighty four... four hundred and eight five..."

It all ended with 485 dolls I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms, I hugged it tightly, then suddenly...

"I love you~~, I love you~~"

I dropped the doll, shocked.

"I...lo...ve..you??"

I picked up the doll and pressed its stomach.

"I love you~~ I love you~~"

It can`t be! I pressed all the dolls'  stomach as it piled on the side

"I love you~~"

"I love you~~"

"I love you~~"

Those words came out non-stop. "I love you~~"

Why didn`t I realized that??? That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn`t I realize that he loved me this much... I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it`s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the one that I was missing so much....

"Jo...Do you know what today is? We`ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do know what 486 is? I couldn`t say I love you.....Um... since I was too shy. If you forgive me and take this doll.. I will say that I love you..everday...till I die..

Jo... I love you!"

The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked God, why do I only know about all this now? He can`t be bymy side, but he loved me until his last.